Category Archives: Violence & Self Defense

The ABC’s of keeping our daughters safe (part 3)

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In part one of this essay we talked about the overall character, the hardware we want our daughters to be built with – confidence, assertiveness, maturity and intelligence.

In part two we talked about the kind of software, lessons, we want to add in; beginning with what not to do. Don’t ever say I told you so. Don’t ever call her weak. Don’t ever tell her that crying, or displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. Don’t ever lie to her. And don’t ever encourage delusional thinking.

We have also discussed who these predators are. Whether we are talking about the murder of children, kidnapping of them, or the molestation of them – most of the time, the predator is going to be someone you know. And more than likely, someone you yourself brought into the home – perhaps even a relative.

Now, to conclude, let’s move from what you should not do, to exactly what you should teach.

The ABC’s of keeping our daughters safe (part 3)

Here is what you should do.

Nothing matters more than having a close personal relationship that involves open and honest communication. Here are three core skill sets, each containing three core lessons, what I call the ABC’s of child self defense, that comprise the bulk of what I try to teach, and build on, with my own children.

A =Awareness – a deep sense of awareness between parent and child.

As I said, nothing matters more than this. Why? Because when it is absent, or even just deficient, children can become victimized without the parent ever knowing – until it is too late. Developing this, as with any good relationship, requires work, patience, and time. An immature parent, the kind who belittles, ignores, abuses, or competes with his or her own children, will, by definition, be incapable of achieving this. You always have to begin with your own maturity first.

Assuming you’re a loving, mature and responsible parent, here are three key lessons you will want to work on to strengthen the A in our ABC’s.

1- A feeling of deep trust, inculcated within the child, that lets her know that they can come to you with any problem, any situation, any incident, and you will listen to them and love them. Children who have that sort of relationship with their parents are not the types of children child predators pick out. Children who don’t, are. The type of parents I named above, bad parents, parents who belittle, ignore, abuse, or compete with their own kids, can never achieve this. And as a consequence, their children are always more vulnerable to child predators.

2- A deep knowledge the child has, earned through experience, that you will help her. You won’t tell her she is weak or that it was her fault. You wont lash out at her, or blame her for feeling a particular way. You will listen, truly listen and respond with the kind of wisdom that is only ever born from maturity and love. And you will then help your child solve the issue with solid advice. This is similar to #1, but also goes beyond it. With the first level of awareness, the child knows they can approach you. Here, they also know that you’ll have smart solutions. Children who’ve consistently observed their own parents or guardians make one poor decision after another, may not believe the parent will have much to offer by way of help, even if they trust them.

3- A sincere belief within the child that if he or she ever has to fight back, you will always have her back. Regardless of what the school systems says, or another parent or adult wants, the child must know that defending themselves is something you will always support. Forget the ‘zero tolerance’ policies some school systems have. School administrators and teachers are some of the worst offenders when it comes to ignoring or minimizing the affects bullies can have on a community. They are not your best solution. Teaching children to defend themselves and depend on themselves, is. Letting them know you will always back them up, regardless of what some teacher or vice principle says, is vital to your bond. And that bond matters more than anything else – and it certainly matters a hell of a lot more than what any principle or teacher thinks.

 ‘A’ stands for awareness. Awareness of what?

An awareness that exists between parent and child. An awareness the child has that she can always trust you with any secret, that you will listen to her, honor her feelings, offer wise counsel, and support her if she fights back. That’s the cornerstone of childhood protection. And that’s the one piece of information every pedophile and pervert looks to gain when he interviews your child as a potential victim.

Is she isolated?

Will the parents notice?

Is she close to her parents?

Does she trust her parents?

Will she ever tell her parents?

Will they even believe her if she does?

An isolated animal is a vulnerable animal. An isolated and young animal is easy prey.

 

Next in our ABC’s is B

 B = Boundaries – understanding and asserting healthy boundaries.

Next to their close and trusting relationship to you, a child’s own ability to understand and defend healthy boundaries is critical. How do children do this? A child does this using the skill-set of assertiveness. And assertiveness, as defined for a child, means saying what you feel out-loud.

Here are three ways to foster the development of that skill-set.

1- Teach the child that assertive behavior is healthy behavior. Teach them that being assertive and being strong is good. To do that you’ll need to help them distinguish between assertiveness and aggression, strength and anger, boldness and bullies. All of these are valuable lessons that will help the child throughout the rest of their life. Remember, your child is always watching. The best way to teach this behavior is to model it in your own life.

2- Teach the child that it is okay to tell adults “No!” – and to defend their boundaries no matter who the person is, older or younger, relative or stranger. You want them to understand what is and is not appropriate. To do that, you’ll have to tell them. What is inappropriate touching? Is it okay if it is an adult? Don’t assume a child just automatically knows this. Remember, predators are good at selling these ideas to kids. You need to teach them that just because a person is a teacher, uncle, or adult, that doesn’t mean it’s okay.

3- Teach the child how to be assertive. As discussed previously, teach them how to stand tall, how to speak loudly and clearly, how to carry themselves. And then teach them where those lines in the sand are. Teach them when to be assertive.

Is an adult asking them to leave with them?

Is mom’s boyfriend telling them to keep a secret?

Are they being bullied by a boy who is using instrumental reactive violence, or a girl who is using instrumental relational aggression?

Teach her about relational aggression.

What is relational aggression? It is a form of bullying more commonly used by females. And teach her that like all bullying, it is an instrumental tool – it’s used to get what the bully wants. Where boys fear physical isolation, being smothered, pinned, or trapped – girls tend to fear social isolation, being alone, unwanted, or stigmatized. Bullies, male and female, know this, and that’s why they will attack the way they do.

I wont be your friend if you don’t give me the toy

Ill make sure nobody is your friend if you don’t do what I want.

Let her know what it is and why it is done. Then give her some ART, some Appropriate Response Training. This is the software.

ART begins with learning the techniques of proper confrontation. Confronting, as opposed to appeasing the bully, is where we always need to begin. Assertiveness isn’t just the best deterrence against bullies – it’s also the best form of defense once the bully picks you. Saying how you feel out loud, being blunt, being clear, being sure of yourself, is where assertiveness starts.

“It’s not okay for you to speak to me that way!”

 That’s a great response. Especially when the child who says it is using the correct physical posture and tone in her voice. It’s on you to teach her what that physical posture is.

Have her practice standing tall and confidently.

Have her practice speaking up and looking you in the eye.

Have her practice using clear, blunt, and assertive language.

Teach your daughters what behaving from a position of personal strength looks like.

Girls love to play games, and there is no reason this can’t be fun. Remember, you want her trained in how to do this before she is ever called upon to ever do this. Start now. It’s never too late. But it is always better if we begin before it becomes necessary, before we ever see any signs that our child might be feeling bullied.

Discuss these scenarios and let them know it isn’t just okay to be assertive – it’s what you want them to do.

‘B’ stands for boundaries. What kind of boundaries? The kind defended with assertiveness in healthy humans. Understanding those boundaries and developing that assertiveness is, next to developing an aware relationship with your children, the second most important thing you can do to keep your kids safe.

 

Last in our ABC’s is C.

 C =Conflict – becoming comfortable and skilled at conflict.

Conflict is too often derided in our culture as something ‘bad’, where as tolerance is too often lauded as something ‘good’. Both depend entirely on context.

A mother who tolerates her boyfriend beating her child isn’t displaying nobility. And a father who comes into contact with that boyfriend, creating a conflict, isn’t displaying a moral failing. When bad people are doing bad things to good people, good people have an obligation to engage in conflict. When bad people try and hurt you, you have an obligation to be in conflict. Conflict isn’t bad when what’s being confronted is bad. Conflict can be one of our highest moral duties.

There is one more thing to keep in mind about conflict. No matter who you are, where you live, and what you do, some form of conflict is – inevitable. Given that, you have a choice. You can wing in, without any attempt at acquiring prowess in that area. Or, understanding that at some point it will occur; you can prepare for it, and become better at it. Only one of those choices can rightly be called intelligent.

Here are three skills, in the field of conflict that every child should be trained in.

1- Verbal conflict – being clear, assertive, and if need be, very loud. We discussed assertiveness a lot already, it is that important. And I talked about teaching children not just that it is okay to be assertive, but also, how to be assertive. Standing tall, speaking blunt and clearly, not being afraid to say how you feel out loud, these are all important.

So is ‘banter’.

One of the least useful things you’ll hear repeated as it relates to keeping your children safe is the old quip, “don’t talk to strangers!” This is terrible advice. Why? Because it’s impossible to follow. As your child grows and ventures into the world they will run into situations daily where they will need to talk to strangers. Most of us, most everyday, have to talk to strangers. What children need to be taught is how to do it.

2- Running to safety. Once the child recognizes things are about to go bad, or is afraid, we want them to escape. “Run away” in and of itself isn’t necessarily enough information.

Run to where?

Run to whom?

Someone tries to talk your child into getting into a car. The child recognizes this is wrong.

Where do they go?

Running to safety is different from just running aimlessly. Here is what I teach my children:

Run to where there are other adults and find a woman, preferably a mommy.

As great as it would be to have a police officer within running distance anytime our child was in danger, we all understand that isn’t realistic. Taking them out of the equation, we are left with everyday men and women. Generally speaking, women are more likely to stop and take the time to help a child who is seeking aid. A woman who is also a mother is even more likely to pay attention to a lost child. And while true the odds of a child running to a random man and having that man turn out to be a sex offender or predator himself, are extremely low –the odds of having a child run to a random women who happens to be a sex offender or predator are even lower. So low in fact, that its more likely they’d be hit by lightening on the way.

When our children get lost, they know to find a mommy.

While visiting the Oregon aquarium last year my youngest daughter, Una, was separated from the pack for a moment. She was 3. My wife and I ran around all the tanks looking for her, only to find that she had found a mommy in the next room, and explained who she was and that she was lost. While my wife and I were distressed to have lost sight of her for a few minutes, we were both happy to see how she had responded. She did what we’ve taught her to do.

Make noise as you run. Screaming, “this is not my daddy, help, help!” is enough to make a lot of predators scurry back under their rocks.

 As they run to safety they yell. Loud, hard to catch, defiant, that’s not easy prey for any predator looking to attack unnoticed. And it’s vital the child is taught when to do that.

Anytime someone is asking them to go somewhere, anytime someone is trying to touch them inappropriately, anytime someone is grabbing or hurting them, and yes, anytime the child feels scared – we want them to recognize and honor their own primal instincts, their own fear – and we want them to act on them – to run away.

3- Physical conflict. If words didn’t work, and running wasn’t possible, it’s time to fight. The most important thing you can teach your child about this topic is simply this, it’s okay to fight.

Physical confrontation is the simplest part of self-defense. Once a conflict becomes physical the hesitation that often arises as a result of ambiguity disappears. Now there are clear and obvious goals. Someone is trying to grab you, break free and get away. Someone is trying to hold you down, escape, get up, and get away. We want children to be comfortable with themselves, their bodies, and physical conflict in general. Contact sports, wrestling, Judo, football, rugby, and of course, BJJ, are all great venues to help teach young boys and girls what being physical feels like.

If you want your child to grow up confident and strong, don’t shield them from those activities. Instead, introduce them into their lives.

Let’s summarize what we have so far.

The ABCs of keeping your children safe:

#1 A deep Awareness between you and your child.

#2 A solid understanding of Boundaries, and skill in defending them.

#3 A developed level of comfort with Conflict.

A few years ago I was giving a talk on Martial Arts and skepticism, here in Portland Oregon. The talk was held in a pub. My wife and daughter came with me, and sat at a table with many other people. The venue was small, and a lot of folks were packed in tight. At some point during the talk, a man sitting next to my oldest daughter, Anika, who was then about four years old, put his hand on her shoulder. She immediately shrugged it off and gave him a angry look. I could see the man was startled and didn’t care for her reaction. He started to say something by way of explanation, but wife put her arm around Anika, letting her know in no uncertain terms that her reaction was okay.

The man slumped back.

Having witnessed the whole thing from my vantage point on the stage, I deemed it harmless. I don’t think the man meant anything by it. But I was also proud of how my daughter responded. She didn’t know him. She didn’t want him touching her. And she very clearly let him know that.

My wife’s reaction was also excellent. She had let Anika know what she had done was okay. She backed Anika up. Had my wife apologized to the man for my daughter’s reaction, my daughter could have been taught something terrible that day. Instead, Anika received a mini-lesson on trusting herself, being assertive, and trusting that her mother would stand with her.

Assuming the man’s intentions were innocent, he too, over time, should realize that’s a perfectly okay reaction for a young girl to have when a stranger touches her. The last thing any parent or adult should ever do is scold a child because they didn’t want another adult putting their hands on them. As far as I was concerned, this was a perfect learning experience for my daughter. And it was also a great test for us as parents, letting us know we were on the right path.

The ABC’s cover most of what you’ll need to know to keep your children safe. Awareness between you and them, an acknowledgement and teaching of boundaries, and comfort with conflict. Here are 5 specific lessons you can also pass on directly to your kids – these are the boundaries, the specific lines that your children should know shouldn’t be crossed:

1- I am the boss of my own body! And if I don’t like something, or get the “uh-oh” feeling, I will stand up for myself! I don’t need to be polite if I am scared or uncomfortable.

2- Everyone’s bathing suit areas are private. If someone touching me there or asks to, or wants me to touch them there – I will tell my parents.

3- Grown ups don’t ask kids for help. And they never ask kids to go somewhere else with them. If this happens I will tell my parents. (kids should rightly see “hey, can you help me find my lost puppy?” as suspicious.)

4- I don’t keep secrets from my parents. Especially if they are from adults, or they make me feel scared, uneasy, or uncomfortable.

5- I will always check first before going anywhere. And if lost, I’ll find a mommy with kids.

 

Keeping our daughters safe is an ongoing process of growth. Building strength, building confidence, teaching assertiveness, and providing education, on what threats look like and how they occur. As important as that all is, none of it can take the place of  responsible and mature parent. One who is aware of what’s going on in their daughters life, and trusted.

It’s not impossible to miss signs of abuse in your children if you’re paying close attention to them – but it is a hell of a lot harder. Make that love and attention the priority, and combined with the things I’ve addressed in this three part essay, there is no reason you cannot keep your daughter safe.

The ABC’s of keeping our daughters safe (part 2):

When I began posting excerpts from my larger work for this essay The ABC’s of keeping our daughters safe, I thought I would end up with a two part project. It turns out, it’s three. I’ll post the conclusion within the next few days. 

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The ABC’s of keeping our daughters safe (part 2):

In part one of this essay: Keeping our Daughters Safe, we talked about the hardware needed, confidence, assertiveness, maturity and intelligence. And we also defined what those terms mean. Now lets go into the software – the accurate knowledge and skill, we will want to arm them with.

If we’ve done our job as coaches or parents, we already know our daughters are strong enough to do what needs to be done. All that’s left is to teach them what exactly that is. Believe it or not, that’s the much easier part.

Before we get into exactly what that is, let’s briefly discuss what not to do.

Don’t ever say I told you so. It’s pointless, and it erodes the most important thing that can exist between parent and child – trust.

Don’t ever call her weak. Parents who say these sorts of things are never doing more than revealing their own character – through projection. Don’t be that coward.

Don’t ever tell her that crying, or displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. That’s a lie. And it betrays a lack of wisdom on your part.

Don’t ever lie to her.

Don’t ever encourage delusional thinking about the nature of conflict, or human beings.

Not all delusional thinking is as obvious as belief in magical creatures, or the cancer curing properties of lemon juice – some, takes the form of misinformation, thinking we know something we don’t. And when it comes to keeping our daughters safe, that’s unacceptable. One common example of this is who parents often believe the major threat to their child is. As a father, no thought is more terrifying than one that involves harm coming to my children. It is the nightmare all parents share. But in modern America, just how likely is it?

As a child who grew up drinking milk and going to the cinema in the 70’s, it wasn’t uncommon to think it was rampant. Milk cartons displayed photos of every missing kid. The movie theaters were cranking out classic revenge films like Dirty Harry and Death Wish. And while true that violent crime, including the kidnapping of children, was more prevalent in the 70’s than it is now – as your average 9 year old boy in 1978, the odds were higher that my heart would have randomly stopped working than it ever was that I’d be kidnapped by a stranger.

So just how likely is it that an unfamiliar person will kidnap a child in the United States?

Of all children reported missing each year, about 0.01, one hundredth of one percent, are taken by strangers.

What is likely is that a child runs away, gets lost, or in far less cases (10%), is taken in a custody battle by the opposing parent. To put that into perspective, for every 10,000 reported missing children, 1 is taken by a stranger, which, in a nation of 322 million people, averages to about 100 stranger abductions a year.

I don’t want to minimize the importance of those 100 children. For me as a father, nothing would qualify as more horrifying than knowing my child had been taken by a stranger; and rightfully so. Of those one hundred kids, only half ever make it home. Out of the remaining 50, the majority, 78%, are murdered within 3 hours – usually after they have suffered rape and torture.

Having said that, with this subject, as with any other, we want to know reality as it is. And reality is that 99.8% of all missing children come home.

Most all of them, 90%, were either lost, suffered a miscommunication, or ran away – and of the remaining 10%, almost all, 9+%, were taken by a parent in a custody battle. But as child pouring milk into my frosted flakes and staring at another photo of a missing kid, that carton didn’t differentiate between the over 99% and the less than 1%; and I would have liked to have known that.

What about childhood murders in general, who kills kids?

If we look at that same 28-year period, from 1980-2008, 63% were killed by a parent. And by parent, I almost always mean, step parent. What do I mean by ‘almost always’? A child is 100 times more likely to be killed as a result of abuse by a stepparent than by a genetically related parent.

Let that disturbing fact settle in for a moment, then read it again.

A child is 100 times more likely to be killed as a result of abuse by a stepparent than by a genetically related parent.

Only 3% of all murdered children are killed by strangers; 33% are killed by stepdads (or far less likely, biological fathers), 30% by stepmoms (or less likely, biological moms), and 23% by male acquaintances (usually moms boyfriend).

My wife has been an outstanding stepparent. And most stepparents do a good job handling what can be a very tough situation. But there is no way around the statistical reality that the greatest threat to the lives of children are the non-genetically related lovers, either husbands or boyfriends, that women bring into the home. As unpopular as that may be to say, or as uncomfortable as it is to think about, most kids are killed by stepdads and boyfriends, men who don’t share their genes.

What about child rape?

As you now know, less than 0.01%, one hundredth of one percent of the children kidnapped in the United States every year, are taken by strangers. And when it comes to the far more prevalent crime of sexual abuse, the data shows the same pattern. A staggering 1 out of every 4 girls in this nation, and 1 out of every 6 boys, is sexually abused. Of those victims, approximately 30% are abused by family members, stepfathers, stepbrothers, uncles, and related kin; another 60% are abused by people who are known to the family, but not related. These include family friends, mom’s boyfriend, babysitters and neighbors.

To put that in perspective, 90% of all children sexually assaulted, are the victims of someone they and their family know.

Are child rapists violent criminal actors? Of course they are. But the vast majority are not strangers who kidnap children from the playground. They are known family members or close friends to the family, who, given time and opportunity, seek out children to victimize by, in many cases, ingratiating themselves to the parents. Like most predators, these are Character Dis-Ordered Individuals (a term you’ll hear me use a lot in my work), what I refer to as CDOs, who only later reveal themselves to be despicable Violent Criminal Actors – VCAs.

When boys are the victims, men are the abusers 86% of the time. When girls are the victims, men are the abusers 94% of the time. As with most violent crime, child sexual abuse is travesty committed primarily by men.

77% of the time the attacker is over 18, and children living with a single mother or a mother living with a man who is not genetically related to the children, are at the greatest risk, their kids are eight times more likely to become victims of abuse than children who live with both biological parents.

The highest rates of child rape occur in Africa. This is followed, surprisingly to some, by Scandinavia. Sexual violence in Iceland in particular, is at epidemic levels; with ‘reported’ rapes being more than twice that of other Scandinavian nations like Denmark, Finland, and Norway; and the reported sexual abuse against children also being much higher than the other Nordic nations. Southern Europe, the United States and Asia all report similar, lower numbers, which vary between 10-25% of the underage population becoming victims. And as is the case in the States, most of the victims, and the victim’s families, know their attacker.

A note here – criminologists will tell you that it is notoriously difficult to compare crime data from various nations. Many places fail to collect reliable data, or use very different standards in terms of what may constitute a particular type of crime. Understanding this, I use as many sources as possible when compiling facts for this book; which accounts for the large volume of citations that appear in the appendix. As it relates to Icelandic crime I recommend the work of the writer, Þórdís Elva Þorvaldsdóttir Bachmann, who has become a spokesperson for this problem, as well as the book, ‘Wayward Icelanders’, by the author, Helgi Gunnlaugsson.

I break down human predators into three major categories. They are listed in the order in which they are most frequently encountered, with one being the highest likelihood, and in ascending order as it relates to danger, with three being the highest in terms of damage done per incident.

      1) CDO’s Character Disordered Individuals (the creep in your life. Your biggest threat.)

      2) VCA’s Violent Criminal Actors (the average street criminal – dumb, desperate, dangerous.)

      3) MCA’s Moralistic Criminal Actors (Jihadists, Unibombers, etc.)

Number one is CDO’s, the Character Disordered individual. As we’ve seen from the data, most people are not victimized by strangers, but by people they know. These attackers rarely enter the scene wearing their true, malevolent face. More often than not, they come disguised as sheep. They are numerous, frequently encountered, possibly related to you, and always deleterious to your life. The most frequent type of violence they use is expressive, the spontaneous release of tension through violent behavior. Followed closely by instrumental violence, actions designed to achieve a specific goal.

Over the decades I’ve found quite a bit on the subject of violent criminal actors. The literature on these types is extensive. By contrast, there is very little on those who tend to victimize their own families and friends, CDOs.

Neurotics, who are often the children of CDOs, tend to experience ongoing problems with other individuals in their lives who are regularly attempting to manipulate, abuse, and generally exploit them. Those exploited often feel guilty, ashamed, and therefore, habitually neurotic about these interactions. While at the same time, the individuals that tended to plague these people, also share a similar set of character traits. The exploiters are Character Disordered Individuals, or CDOs. And stopping the cycle of abuse means getting them out of your life, and more importantly, the lives of your children.

A character disorder and a personality disorder are not the same thing. A personality disorder tends to describe how an individual interacts with others. A character disorder, as I use it in this book, refers to an individual’s character, their virtue, values, and conscience.

CDOs operate from a place of desire and manipulation, which, when it works, is viewed by them as a form of domination. They feel very little guilt or shame, and externalize blame rather than taking personal responsibility for their actions. Unlike neurotics who worry how they have affected others, CDOs primarily worry about how others have affected them. They will tell a story which places themselves front and center as the victim, the narrative of which, if you listen carefully, betrays a deep-rooted sense of entitlement – all the while being quick to anger – lashing out, often childishly, with aggressive verbal attacks designed to strike at their targets, their spouse, child, lover, or “friends”, weakest emotional points. And when that doesn’t work, assuming they have a substantial advantage, some attack physically. At that point the CDO has become a VCA, and we’ve failed at our strategy of prediction and avoidance.

Here are 5 traits I use to help you recognize the CDOs in your own life.

      Definable traits of a CDO:

1- Insincerity – false persona

2- Failure to take personal responsibility

3- Attitude of entitled victimhood

4- Propensity towards childish reactive aggression

5- Consistent attempts to manipulate

I’d classify anyone who consistently demonstrates at least 3 out of these 5 traits regularly, as character disordered. And the prescription for solving the problem is always the same – get them out of your life.

Here is where it all becomes difficult. These people are, by definition, people you already know. They may be a relative, an uncle, cousin, or sibling. They may even be a parent.

If you’re smart enough to stop excusing their behavior, if you’re educated enough to recognize that they are the way they are because that is who they are – it is their character, and, you’re very good at maintaining healthy boundaries, then, and only then, is it possible to minimize the damage these sorts of human beings will do to your life.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

But, if you’re a parent, you have an obligation to keep them away from your children. And if there is one single take away message from this series of articles, let it be that.

If you want to keep your daughters safe and happy – physically healthy, emotionally healthy, and intellectually healthy – keeping character disordered people away from them, whether they are your cousin, uncle, sibling, father, or otherwise, isn’t just an option, it is the single most important thing you can do.

It is, bluntly put, a moral duty.

Parents who allow their own sentimental emotions to overwhelm this vital rule, are parents who end with abused children.

In part 3 of this essay, I’ll conclude with some concrete lessons you can use to make sure your daughters stay safe – however, none will be more important than the one you just read.